We are all trauma bonded

There is a horror film called Mama* that my sis showed me a scene from, because it vividly captured our experience. In it there is a dark mother ghost and two older siblings who break away from her. The bright innocent young child stays with her while the other two older siblings reach across a chasm, crying for her to be released. But she is still bonded to the dark, wounded mother.

It’s an extremely heartbreaking scene and it’s stunning to see a moment from my childhood so graphically, artfully and accurately conveyed.

When my mother descended into her psychotic madness, I was five, and although I had endured her abuse, I still needed/wanted my mami so much. And I still felt her goodness deeply. My siblings who had had enough individuation to recognize that our mother was dangerous, did run away to be with our elder sister, and left me behind, because I refused to go.

Understandably, this trauma bond and getting stuck in this developmental phase led me to be far too tolerant, having diffuse boundaries which I had to unlearn and yet, I also see how it helped me to navigate foster care with acceptance and openness to all manner of people and experiences.

Transforming the shadow, I see how it helped me to remain connected to the essence of people, to have compassion and be unafraid of the darkness.

This is why I can hold safe space for deep trauma healing and the unpeeling of many layers of oppression.

Of course, I have better boundaries now.

As I reflected on this, I realized it is why I relentlessly name the ways we are all trauma bonded to a sick society. We all carry layers of Stockholm syndrome (empathy for and identification with the oppressor).

We all settle for ‘crumbs’ of love and connection because we have no idea what real love and connection looks like.

Colonialism, conquest culture, classist ‘civilization’ stripped this away for all of us.

We have all been torn away from our Mother.

Torn away from knowing ourselves within intact community that was safe and supported our flourishing.

Torn away from knowing ourselves as intricately interwoven with earth/the web of life/Creator.

Torn away from trusting the pulse of life, growth, creativity within us as more than enough.

We have all tucked our heads in shame, and learned to go along.

And witnessed our parents do the same, to survive.
(and often experienced their abuse as part of this effort)

We have all become normalized to sickness.

My experience was an extreme that allows me to see these nuances everywhere.

Today, I see that little innocent bright child inside of myself with such tenderness. I see her hope, her constant hope that her mother’s goodness and health would return.

And I tell her with deep love, “we never had any control over mother’s journey”

But “I am here”

And I will hold you and keep holding you, as we remember what is healthy.

As we honor the beautiful goodness inside you and let it lead.

As we reclaim real love and connection, inside our hearts and with others.

As we rest in our everlasting Mother/Father, Mama Tierra/Creator who are always holding us, guiding us, sustaining us.

“I will hold you mija, in the warmth and love, where you belong”

I will be the Mama, your precious heart knew she still needed.

We don’t have to settle for sickness.

Our liberation rests in recognizing and shifting what we are bonded to.

As we bond with our sweet souls, life giving Creator/Earth/Spirit, our wise ancestors
we remember, moment by moment, day by day,

what REAL LOVE and deep CONNECTION are.

I’m grateful to keep remembering with all of you.

xoxo

*I am not recommending watching this movie, unless you love horror. I have not watched it, only the scene that was shared with me which is the ending and very artistic.  And I chose to verbally describe it rather than include the clip, intentionally, to reduce triggering.