For example, the authors suggest that many developmental ‘challenges,’ such as teenage rebellion, that we call “normal,” are actually an outgrowth of the way we have been living for only the past 6o years or so.  Once we started grouping peers together in schools for large periods of the day, and reducing their connection with loving adults, problems emerged.

When everyone is running on the same hamster wheel of school and extracurricular activities, it’s easy to think that the problems we experience with our children are just their developmental phases.  But when we look at the bigger picture, we see that these challenges are often just what happens when there has not been enough relaxed, focused, loving attention and connection with each other.

I appreciate this reminder that in our fast paced society, we must be vigilant in order to keep our children close and provide the loving attachment they really need.  And yet, as parents, in our own overstressed lives, we may struggle to fit in connection time with our children, let alone time for ourselves.  Here are a few suggestions with my practical, parental self-care spin on them to help you keep your children close:

Collect yourself and your child-  An essential concept in the book is, ‘collecting’ our children throughout the day and after any separation.   We get in their face’ in a friendly way, eliciting eye contact, a smile, a nod. We act as their compass point, guiding them through the day and inviting their dependence where needed. We show them we delight in them and communicate ‘here we are together, I love you, you are safe with me.’  While this is an essential reconnection for our children’s well being, it is equally important that we do this for ourselves.  We ‘collect’ ourselves throughout the day by tuning into our own soul with love and compassion, asking ‘How am I feeling? What am I needing? What would be loving to me right now?’ When we treat ourselves this way, we have more authentic love and presence to share with our children when we ‘collect’ them.

Work Together- Some of our repetitive activities like meal making, laundry folding, sweeping, gardening, etc. can be enjoyable time spent together. It helps to have children take turns for special one-on-one time with you while you do these tasks, instead of competing for your attention.  For example, have one child (at a time) chop celery (a pumpkin carving knife works great) while you listen to her talk about her day.  My children always enjoy the meals we make together the most, and after connecting, they are more open and content at the dinner table.

Power Dates over Playdates-  It is tempting to let our children have yet another playdate (there is so much we can get done in that hour!) but it often reinforces their disconnection.  Designate days when playdates are ok, and set aside a couple days or times a week when instead of a playdate, your child can have a ‘power date’ with you.  Come up with something you like to do together, a craft, a project, a walk, but ensure that it is enjoyable to everyone.  Whenever possible, make it a one on, ‘special time’ so that you can reconnect to your joy in knowing each other.  But don’t worry when this is not possible.  Simply shifting your energy from ‘getting through the day’ with your children, to having a power date, can increase the quality time and connection for all.

Go to Bed Earlier-   It is priceless to ensure you are well rested so that you can be the parent you want to be.  And it also helps immensely to plan your bedtime ritual with your children an hour to half hour earlier.  In the evening, most children given the opportunity, tend to ‘open up’ and want to tell us all about their day or ask wonder-full questions.  Be sure you start early enough so you are rested and able to set aside time to enjoy this invaluable connecting time.  You will feel better about your whole day if you do.

Get Away-  One of the best ways to ‘unhook’ our children from their distractions to connection, is to go on an outing for the day, weekend, or longer if you can!  Ignore the complaints and head out to someplace natural where down time is ensured;  a hike, a walk in a park, the beach, etc.(children who are hooked on media, peers, and convenience tend to balk at nature outings but they need them!)  Remember to make it fun for you by negotiating activities you all like, i.e., bike rides, fishing, volleyball, etc. and make sure there is plenty of time for relaxed down time where connections thrive.

And as always, remember that taking care of yourself alongside your children, always leads to stronger and richer connections.

This series of articles is intended to help parents explore self-care and recognize the pitfalls faced in implementing it.  We’ll begin with a focus on the underlying depletion that often sabotages our efforts to be good parents.

Addressing Depletion

Unfortunately, due to the demands of our fast paced society and financial stresses, almost every parent I know is depleted in some way.  We simply push ourselves beyond our natural human limits, burning our candles at both ends because it is what everyone around is doing and we forget that it is not normal.

Far too often, I speak with mothers who are racked with guilt because they cannot muster the loving attention and energy that they want to give their children.  Often, mothers will ‘confess’ feeling very uncaring and angry toward their children and think that something is terribly wrong with them.

When they talk to parenting experts, they are often given great ideas on connecting, which creates more guilt because they cannot muster the energy or positive feelings  consistently. In fact, when they are focusing on connecting to their children, with an empty tank, their inner resentment and exhaustion worsens.

Imagine how your child would feel if they were exhausted, had barely eaten, had little attention paid to them, did so much for everyone else, and then had to watch you caring for someone else’s child.  The child would feel worthless, discouraged and depressed.  This is what happens to parents when we are depleted and we keep pushing through, trying to meet our children’s needs without meeting our own.

What’s more is that when we are depleted, we are hurting those we love most.  If we were in a typical workplace, we may be irritable, grumpy, impatient but we would recognize that it’s a rough day, we are out of sorts, and so on.   But as a parent, when we are acting angry and impatient with the children we love immensely and desire not to hurt, we simply feel awful, and tell ourselves we are awful.

As you can see, depletion can keep us stuck in a spiraling downward cycle. It is crucial that we recognize it and take steps to return to balance. 

If you are feeling depleted, here are a few steps to begin with so that you can reconnect to the loving parent you truly are:

• Focus on yourself with love and compassion-  When we are feeling depleted, our inner critic/negative self-talk will kick in, in an effort to ‘whip ourselves into shape. However the only thing that works to move us out of depletion is turning love and compassion inward.  This is similar to when our children are acting ‘ugly’ and we remember to go to them with compassion and curiousity about what they need (are they hungry, tired, overwhelmed, sad, etc?). The ‘ugliness’ melts every time, hearts open and there is reconnection. When we are feeling or acting ‘ugly’ we need love.  We must mother ourselves with this same compassion; recognizing that if we are feeling awful, we are simply depleted and it is time to turn our attention to what we can do to be loving to ourselves.  It may feel counterintuitive to the mind, but shifting into your heart and setting this intention, is an important first step.
• Get enough sleep to function well-  Sleep deprivation is often the primary cause of depletion. We tend to accept it as ‘normal working conditions’ but it is used as torture for a reason. It makes us weak and crazy.  As one mother said, “The difference between a rested me and an unrested me, is like Alice in Wonderland different!”  If you are sleep deprived for any reason (new child, child with nightmares, night pottying, etc.) recognize that this is essentially a crisis time in your life and other responsibilities and engagements must be limited. It helps to make a concrete plan for how you will get rest during the day; nap when the baby naps, rest while older children play quietly, go to bed earlier, give yourself permission to get less done, and so on. With enough sleep, everything else feels more doable.
• Eat healthy food, regularly-  It is so tempting when we are depleted to head toward our food addictions, but junk food, sugar, caffeine and alcohol all physiologically create irritability, anxiety, and/or depressed mood.  Eat as much whole, unprocessed or unrefined food as possible. Have fruits, vegetables, nuts and other healthy snacks available for you to munch on in between meals to avoid low blood sugar meltdowns.
• Get Help-  The nature of so many parenting tasks is never ending; there are always more dishes to clean, diapers to change, meals to prepare, children to nurture.  It can be very demoralizing day in, day out, to not enjoy the feeling of completion. As mothers we need to enforce a break, by getting help (from family,friends,mother’s helpers,housekeepers,etc.) and accepting that everything will still not get done.
• Take time and space for yourself (and away from your children) regularly- You need time to breathe.  Depending on your needs, this may be a couple times a week, or it can be a daily practice. This can be as simple as going for a walk, taking some time in your room to journal, working out at the gym, or going on a longer date with yourself to tea, shop, write…whatever reconnects you to your soul.  You may need to focus on alone time rather than time with others. What truly refuels us is taking time to  quiet within and focus entirely on nurturing ourselves, pursuing what simply delights us.

If you are depleted, even making these few changes, may feel overwhelming. Take it easy.  Get help. You will notice that by taking any of these steps your energy will gradually increase and make it easier to continue in your self care.  You (and your children) deserve it!

Awhile back, my son was coming home grumpy everyday.  Knowing that underneath his complaining/whining were real feelings needing to be expressed, I would often take a deep breath and try to get through the grouchy hump, back to connection with my sweet boy.

Some days it would work, and other days, his whining and complaining (that there is no playdate scheduled, that I didn’t bring a junk snack ,that I am not letting him tune out to tv or video games), would affect me so deeply that after 10 minutes, I was grumpy and unable to be lovingly present with him.

Recently, I recognized that allowing him to decompress by complaining was chipping away at my heart, and allowing him to develop a damaging and unproductive habit. Remembering, (as I always reassure my clients) that compassion turned inward, unfailingly results in a more loving connection with my children, I connected within and explored what taking care of myself AND loving my son would look like.

 Here are some steps we took in our home…

-Maintain Boundaries with Love:

Whining/complaining often happens because we have unwittingly reinforced it by not maintaining firm boundaries. I told my children, that allowing them to whine and complain to me was not only draining my energy, it was hurting my heart because it felt uncaring.  I reconnected to my inner knowing that the rules they’ve been complaining about, are rules that I have established with great consciousness and love for them (i.e. no junk food, tv, excessive peer stimulation, chaotic schedules). I acknowledged that I may have confused them by being wishy washy at times and that I would be recommitting to our loving boundaries.

By setting loving boundaries, we hold invaluable space for our children to return to self-connection and connection with us, even as their impulses want to drive them outward to cheap thrills. This is holy and integral work in this day and age.  Being self-loving means we do not need to apologize for it, engage in lengthy explanations, try to persuade our children or field excessive complaints.  We simply set loving boundaries that are truly in our children’s best interest and stick to them.

-Explore the Issue with COMPASSION for Yourself and Your Child:

Setting the intention to be open to learning about this situation, I explored the issue with my son.  A key here was that he knew I had made my decision to no longer field the whining/complaining…so he did not resist and we had a heart to heart conversation.  When children sense our underlying desire to change their behavior, i.e. control them, they unconsciously resist by being defensive.  This is why focusing on our own self-care is helpful.  When we are clear on what we will do to take care of ourselves, regardless of what another does/says, then the other is free of trying to resist being controlled, and is generally more open to problem solving.

My son is eight and understood how hurtful for both of us the situation had become.  He recognized that although he wants to reconnect with our family, he feels very pulled toward his friends. (Gordon Neufeld has a lot to say about why this happens).  I listened and validated.  I let him know that I also deeply want for us to connect…and from this open-hearted space we looked at solutions.

I shared that, to have compassion for myself, I would simply not engage if he were whining and complaining about rules or at my expense.  We discussed that a compassionate approach for him may mean some quiet or “down time” at first, whatever he needed to decompress…and I would be available to talk, listen or simply offer a hug…when he was ready.

Prepare to be Present-

By setting limits on complaining, we give children the opportunity to access the underlying authentic feelings that they need to discharge.  Often we let whining/complaining persist by responding to it (“Oh, okay, just this one show”) because we want to avoid the “meltdown”, but in fact our children often simply need to “melt down” from the stresses of the day.

Being self-loving here means that we commit to taking good care of ourselves and getting the help we need, so we can be present for our children’s authentic emotions.  This includes a conscious recommitment to basic self care: eating well, exercising, getting rest, journaling, whatever helps us feel whole or filled up.  Often, this also means getting special support around the challenging situation.

I asked a friend to listen while I expressed my feelings of disappointment and connected within, asking “What do I need to do to take care of myself in the face of complaining?”  I realized that along with setting limits, I needed to honor myself. An affirmation for me became, “Even if they become upset, I am a loving mother.” Reconnecting to this truth, allowed me to open more fully to being an empathic container for my children’s upset.

Explore the Power of Complaint Free Living-

This conversation caused me to dig out my ‘Complaint Free Contract.’ Having a Complaint Free Contract is a way to consciously set limits on the ways our wounded self/ego mind sabotages our happiness. We commit to giving up:  complaining, criticizing, gossiping and whining.  This is another way to say that we essentially commit to taking personal responsibility for our life because ‘what we think on grows’.  It was not serving my son to support him in a daily habit of disempowering complaining.  And it was not serving me to simply complain about the situation either.  Letting go of complaining for both of us, meant that we focused on what we DO want.

I let my son know I would like to hear any ideas he had about what would make our home feel more relaxing or fun. More importantly, I focused on MY vision for a peaceful home with clear communication and empathic emotional support.  I envisioned how good it would feel to transition from school to home, with love and respect for each of us, and opened to ideas on how to make this happen.

When we focus on “the problem” we feel heavy and our children feel controlled.  Complaint free self-care reminds us to focus on our own happiness, asking “What do I need to do to feel happy in this moment?” By remembering my power to impact my end, I felt lighter about the whole situation, which allowed me to approach it with more peace.  And by making my own shift, I modeled for my son how to make his.

—————–

The day after making these changes, my son came running up to me afterschool, bright and cheery, “Hi mommy! Hi baby! (to his 5 month old brother)” and launched right into telling me about his day.  Breathtaking. Transformation.

Free of the habit of negativity (unwittingly reinforced by me), my sunny and effusively loving boy was shining before me.

The fact that she can recognize that this is a problem

is the first step!  So often, parents, particularly those that have personal histories to heal, focus intensely on helping their children to have the confidence they don’t.  However, we cannot teach self-esteem.

We can support children in their natural unfolding which preserves much inherent self-esteem, but for our children to know how to live a confident life, they need this modeled.  A natural way that we do this is by caring for  ourselves as we care for our children. Here are a few ideas to model what we wish for our children.

1)    “I want them to know they can do or be anything”-  Pause for a moment, and ask yourself how well you are nurturing your own interests.  You were born with a divine spark within in you that seeks to be expressed. You are here to share your special creativity, wisdom and talents that are a gift to this world.   As parents, it is easy to lose ourselves in parenting, so take some conscious time to schedule yourself back in.  Explore ways that you can nurture your creativity with your children (i.e. dancing or doing yoga together, painting together, etc.) and explore how to ensure that you are getting time to purse your interests alone.  Doing so will refresh you and help you to apply your creative essence to your parenting.

2)    “I want them to know they are loved, that they matter” – Ask yourself whether you feel that you matter and/or whether your children see you treat yourself this way.  If you deeply struggle with believing that you are loved and matter, you may want to seek support from a counselor, a supportive Circle or self-help materials that help you compassionately reparent yourself.

Even when we know we are deserving, the demands of parenthood tend to put us in last place. Reclaim your value as a gift to yourself and your children.  A basic concept I always share is to imagine that you are one of the children you are parenting.  For example, if you have two children, imagine that you are a parent to three, and remember to check in on your needs throughout the day, just as you do your children.  (“They need a snack, what do I need? “They need some outside time, what do I need? Or “How can I enjoy this moment?” “What  do I need to start the day off right?” and take action to make it happen even if it is for less time than your life pre-kids allowed.)  The more we consider our own needs throughout the day, the more we send the message to ourselves that we do matter, which actually builds our own self-esteem (and models self worth to our children).

 3)    “I want them to feel free to express themselves” – Ask yourself, How do I model freedom in self-expression?  In what ways do I shut myself down or conform to expectations?  Do I speak up for myself? In life? With my partner? With my children? Do I let my soul shine?

Your children need to see you speaking up for yourself, saying yes when you truly want to do something, and no when you don’t.  They need to see you setting loving boundaries and not allowing others to treat you unkindly.

They also need to see you celebrate yourself. Parents will smile adoringly at their children when they are doing a dance or learning a skill.  We see the light in them and appreciate it.  Parenting ourselves means bringing this appreciation to ourselves, accepting ourselves fully and allowing ourselves to shine. If you love to dance, dance freely. If you love to sing, sing loudly. If you love to write, write fearlessly.

Our children are our teachers, they unfold and express themselves without fear and with divine knowing that they are here to simply be their full, bright selves.  (We knew this too until we were shut down in one way or another).  Watch them and learn to hold your own “inner child” up with pride.  When we see and celebrate ourselves like a proud parent, our self confidence grows, and we help our  children know how to carry their exuberant self-expression and confidence into adulthood.

Children give us the gift of unlocking the passionate desire to love and care for another.  When we turn this caring toward our own healing, transformation and vibrant self-confidence emerge within us and our children!

(For more support in this reparenting yourself, you can download my FREE ebook: A Guide to Connecting Within.)

Ripe with baby three, I am so aware of how fleeting this moment is.  Holding him snug inside me, feeling the intimacy of his growth and our dance of togetherness.   There is physical discomfort for me, yes, and yet the wonder of this mysterious life captivates me. I feel his potential, that he is here with purpose, divine intention, and that he is busy preparing.  All his nerves, cells, routing together to ground him again for this human experience.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

I feel I know him, sense his essence, yet there is so much I really do not know.

I am an ‘experienced’ mother having birthed naturally, out of the hospital twice, and yet I cannot dictate what his birth will be like.

I am an ‘experienced’ mother having cared for two precious newborns, and yet I cannot tell you what it will be like with this baby and how we will adjust.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

Being a vessel for new life and preparing to welcome new life earthside is a very grounding and humbling experience for me.  No matter how much of a groove I have gotten into as a mother, embracing the needs of a new soul call me to openness and surrender to whatever unfolds…to renewed reliance on Spirit….and to renewed awakening to the depth and richness of each moment.

No matter how much my mind may want to focus on the hallway that needs painting, the carpet that needs changing, the mundane, my body with its aches and my baby with his tenacious squirms and kicks call me to remember the grandness of what is happening here.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

Soon enough I will be looking back on this pregnancy with fuzzy recollection.  Back on his birth with deep yet vague recall of the highlights, the moments that shaped me once more as a mother. I will see how the moments of his birth, reflected aspects about him, about me, about us, individually, in our roles and as a family.

And yet, as much as I know myself, know our sweet family, and can envision my hopes and desires for this birth and transition, I really have no control over any of it. I focus on letting go of the grasping we feel when we want things to go a certain way.  I believe his birth and our transition will go beautifully, but that my grasping will not help. Instead I must surrender to this ride, allowing the Divine wave of life to carry me with great Love and eternal wisdom.  There is a supreme relief to this surrender.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

And I am immensely grateful.

For a long time, as I supported mothers in conscious, self-compassionate mothering , I have been aware of the need for a greater sense of tribe and belonging; a community that is consistent and goes deeper than daily mommy chat.  As I’ve said before, this is what inspired me to offer Conscious Mothering Circles which are a profound, fun, and restorative time of connection and support…. something every mother can benefit from.

In fact, creating meaningful community is one of my primary passions and why I offer family gatherings, healing support groups, CM circles, blessings and retreats.

Exploring our suburban 'farm'...need I say more about why I love children??

And yet, I have found that mothers can usually only attend something that is just for them, about once a month.  Even as they still long for more community.

As I reflected on this, I also began to realize how much I missed my days working with children in the elementary schools,  integrating art and play to support their healing and resilience.  I simply love chidren and all they inspire in us.

At our Connected Family Gatherings, I always enjoy leading the children in imaginative stories, songs and playful yoga which is often surprising to some.  There is the ‘serious’ side of me that loves to support people in their deepest, most vulnerable spiritual-emotional needs, and then there is the ‘playful’ side of me that loves to BE, dream and delight with children.  When I worked in the schools, I even used to dress up as a clown and throw a carnival party every year!

Now, since becoming a mother, my passion and understanding of what children need has naturally expanded and I have spent much time carefully creating an imaginative, peaceful and nurturing environment in my home and life with my own children. While I share these insights with the mothers I work with, my soul missed working with children directly. Something was stirring in me…

imaginative and nurturing storytime

Then it all came together, as things always do when I open my heart and intention, then wait.

Soon enough, I clearly envisioned a conscious parenting playgroup as a way of bringing mothers together with their children, in our  nurturing, imaginative space to support active connection with their children, AND offer them sacred time and space for real connection with other conscious mothers on a more regular basis. A way to bring my loves of supporting children and supporting mothers, together with my knowledge of how to facilitate growth, self-expression, and wonder-full connection through environment and open-ended activities.

I mentioned this idea to Maya.  Having had the experience of participating in a waldorf -inspired homeschool co-op with me last year, she was very excited.  She began talking about how we could do circle time, the fingerplays and songs, and how she would help teach.  She gracefully accepted the reality of sharing her space and toys.  I hemmed and hawed for awhile, trying to figure out the logistics, but she kept me focused, often asking, “Mama, when are we going to have our special playgroup????”

And thus was born, the Wonder, Love and Connection:  Conscious Parenting playgroup.

After only a couple gatherings, the joy in all of the children’s eyes as they feed chickens, plant seedlings, spin soapy wool into birds nests, and hop from one imaginative activity to the next donning playsilks and capes, lets me know we are on to something. 

The authenticity and openness in each of the mamas during our sharing time,  fills my heart with peace and knowing that this is the beginning of something exquisitely beautiful….

I often encourage my clients to follow their bliss, trusting that the world needs them to express exactly what their heart desires. I am deeply blessed and grateful to have found a place where my joys intersect AND an amazing community of mamas and children that let me share this with them!

If you are interested in joining us, click here for more details!

So it does not surprise me that this thin veil also calls me to shed the defenses that keep us from authentically expressing our feelings.  I have had many days where what in the past would have come out as anger about something, is instead expressed in tears…as my heart feels softer and more vulnerable.

This morning, before my children woke up, I saw a picture flash by on our screen saver of a 20 month old Lucas holding newborn Maya.  Instantly, I flashed to those hard days of balancing my first baby’s needs with a newborn and the often ungraceful ways that I muddled through it and failed my son.  I know enough to not ‘rake myself through the coals’ and instead have compassion for my learning curve as a mother (what I preach, preach, preach to mamas).

And yet the existential mother-grief of knowing the sweetness of my child’s soul and how his little heart was hurt, simply broke my heart.  There was no protecting against, or denying this feeling.  Full open-hearted grief poured forth as I sat on my couch and let myself cry, cry, cry, with acceptance of what was, with compassion for the new mother that did her best, and yet still, existential grief that has been there for a long time.  And which has been the source of an undercurrent of fear about this third baby.  Would I let my children down again? Would I feel so lost and overwhelmed again?

Lucas and Maya woke up and came out to the living room to snuggle, finding their mama freshly raw with tear-stained eyes.  I told them as plainly as I could about my sad feelings and said what I often say, “Those times when mama was grumpy were because I was learning about being a mama… I needed to take care of myself…it was not because of you.”

I thought about what a gift it is to let our children see the vulnerability of our journey, in an authentic way (not giving them responsibility, and not self or other blaming)… honestly naming our hard feelings, shortcomings, and taking responsibility for them.  I thought about how, although I cannot undo the past, it is honoring to validate what was surely their experience.  A simple act that often frees children to spontaneously heal and release whatever hurt they have experienced.

In that moment, with tears still wet on my puffy face and Lucas and Maya snuggled under each arm with love and forgiveness, I felt the immense grace of mothering.  As awesome and delicate as a butterfly’s wing is this gift of journeying with other souls, sharing the fragile ups and downs of human experience.  The tenderness of my heart and the moment, opened me wide with gratitude and I felt immense peace, relief, and clear presence within and with my children.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, I whispered to the Divine, for this gift of mothering, this experience of unconditional love, of willingness to move through hard times together…may we always open to our vulnerability together.

As little babe in belly kicked, I thanked my baby and my thin emotional veil of pregnancy…

Underneath our hard feelings of anger, blame, disconnection, and numbness, is often great sadness, or vulnerability that offers us information.  It is the tender voice of our soul that lets us know what we may be doing or thinking that is causing us pain.  Or it may be the tender existential space of heartbreak, loneliness, grief that needs to be expressed and held.

We do so much to protect against this vulnerability in daily life.  And sometimes we simply move too fast to feel our real feelings.  Yet, our authentic feelings are the voice of our heart and soul. When we simply slow down to lovingly explore and experience these feelings, they can take us to a place of deep connection and aliveness that we may not often find otherwise.

And as always, the more we model gentle and loving presence with our own souls, the more our children learn to listen to and honor the delicate voice of their own hearts.

This reminded me of a time a week ago, when we were in the car discussing soccer rules. I mentioned that some people say it is not wise for small children to hit the ball with their heads.  Maya asked, “Mom, but what if the coaches say I have to?”  And I flippantly said, “Maya, who’s the boss?”  I hate to admit, but in that moment I was actually thinking me.  As in, “I’m your mother and I have your best interest at heart.”  Luckily though she knew the truth, and said, “Oh yeah, ME!”  And that settled that.  I was grateful that although her mama is still learning/correcting old patterns, she has integrated an empowered truth.

She has actually gotten into arguments with her five year old cohorts about this.  A child will say, “Your mom is the boss of you” explaining their understanding of the parent/child relationship, and she will adamantly say, “No, I am the boss of me!”  At times, she will run to me for validation, “Mom, I am the boss of me right?”  Which I always confirm because supporting a child’s intrinsic self trust and knowing is my highest role as parent.

There are times when she has said this defiantly, as in “You are not the boss of me! I won’t go to bed!”  Though I may not like to hear it this way, I am always grateful that she knows she is the keeper of her soul.  And because I value this, I hear her words in those moments as reminders that she is an autonomous person, to be guided but not controlled.

So I take pause to reframe and focus on what I can control; myself and the boundaries I have set (A key to avoiding power struggles)  ”Yes, honey, I know I cannot control you.  You are welcome to go to sleep when you like, but mama is all done talking and I am going to read quietly now.”  (This works best when a child is developmentally ready) She really loves to hear that phrase, “I cannot control you” and she usually heads off to unwind with an empowered smile.

I reflect on how challenging life can be when we give others power over our lives in any way.  We look to a relationship to be fulfilled. We look to a dogma/doctrine to fit in and be right or good enough. We look to our achievements as indicators of our worth.  We settle, settle, settle to be safe and acceptable to others.   And there is no joy, only helplessness and frustration because we are giving our power to other people or things we have no control over. We are dis-empowered.

However, when we know that no one else has control over our happiness AND we take responsibility for our own happiness through self-presence and self-care, then our radiant souls shine and thrive, just like our children’s!

For support in Conscious Mothering (ourselves and our children) join a Conscious Mothering Circle or our new Conscious Parenting Playgroup! And for more on these concepts see my FREE downloadable ebook: BREATHE.

We share age appropriate stories of Christ and myths, to illuminate the themes of renewed hope and personal rebirth.

Our children tolerate this ‘teaching’ for a few minutes, then run off and embody the new life that emerges within them daily.  They pick up sticks and sword fight, they chase each other through bushes and beg us to play tag.

Last week as we camped with dear friends in Carpinteria, I noticed something similar.  The adults enjoyed sitting in camp chairs, staring at the beauty of the ocean, breathing in its salty freshness, and remarked on the inspiration and connection we feel in its presence.

Meanwhile, the children were fully engaged with each other and the natural setting peripheral.  They did not sit and admire nature.  They dug their hands in the sand, jumped in the waves, rolled around in the creek, embarked on sand throwing ‘wars’ (no matter how much we tried to warn them about the pain of sand in the eyes). They jump into life unafraid.

It is as though, we are reminded of the life within us by reflecting on the life around us, while our children are full of awareness of the budding life within them, pulsing, vibrating to come out and be expressed, explored.  If there is nature to be experienced, it is to be thrown up in the air, at each other, to be run through or played in….boundless life emerging and engaging moment by moment.  No one needs to give them an Easter message about renewed life, they simply are life, renewing every moment.

This Easter, as I contemplate the parts of me that have died away, must die away, be released and those that are being rekindled and reborn….I am inspired by children’s full engagement with life…and am also asking, “How does my daily life express full engagement with rebirth? Renewal? Living into the richness of spring and new beginnings? How can I allow myself to play into this glorious world with the freedom and connecting instinct of a child?”

Immediately my soul delights and says, “More time in the garden, more time dancing, more time creating!”

What does your life loving soul say?

As we allow our souls to play and engage with the renewed life born of this season, we will naturally find ourselves more connected within and with our children who speak the embodied language of life.

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A little girl who just became a big sister, is found in the baby’s room, leaning over the baby’s bassinet.  She is overheard asking the baby in a whisper, “Tell me what God is like, I’m starting to forget.”

Intuition, our natural connection to the divine and wisdom in us, is just like this.  We are born with it, and yet we soon lose our connection to it in a world that teaches us to look to others for information and truth.  Nurturing our children’s intuition is not about teaching them anything.  It is simply about recognizing and helping children stay connected to what they already know in their heart.

Here are a few simple steps to nurture your children’s natural intution:

1) Honoring feelings as wisdom:  Our feelings guide us to know what feels loving or unloving in any moment.  When we feel discord, our feelings are guiding us that we are “off our path.”  When we feel peace, clarity, we can know that we are “on our path”  Often we discount our own feelings or second guess them, but if we sit with them, and listen to what they are telling us, there is great wisdom there.  In the same way that physical pain tells us to do something different (move your hand out of the fire!) emotional pain moves us back to better self care.

2) Communicating to our children that their heart is a guide. I ask my children, “How does that feel in your heart? Or how does your heart feel?  Most times they don’t have to be asked, they simply express themselves as children naturally do. Either way, it is our job as conscious parents, to take time to listen and validate that what they feel is important.  When listened to, they often make their own connections to what would be loving (“if he plays mean, I’m not going to play with him!”) though sometimes they may need a little guidance or strategy to put the pieces together. “Follow your heart!” is a phrase we use often to remind us all to reconnect to our intuition.

3) Connecting children to their gut feelings or belly: Some children resonate more to the physical signs that our body gives us. You can talk about intuition in the form of their “gut feelings” or their “belly.”  How does your “belly” feel when you think about doing that?”  The key is asking.  So often we simply give answers or solutions to our children because it sounds like that is what they want and/or we feel we know best.  I have found that when I remember to ask, it is not only empowering for us both, but it simply feels good to see that our children really “know” so much.

And finally, be a model!  The more you listen to your own heart and gut feelings, and model trusting yourself, the more your children will learn to value their own intuition.